going back in time: birthday #6, Oct. 28

I started having these physical symptoms last night, that have lingered on through today, and I was starting to get kind of pissed off.

Dammit, Self, I thought we were past all this. There’s no worrying or doubting or self-blame going on so WHAT THE F@CK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!

(ahem. sometimes I speak sternly to Self.)

Anyway, it suddenly seemed entirely appropriate that I was feeling this way yet again: the lead case around my lungs, the urge to deeply sigh just to loosen the tightness, the thick throat.

My spirit is with the program. My spirit knows he’s good and well and probably hangs out with him all the time when my back is turned.

My mind knows that no amount of weeping or stomping or gnashing of teeth is going to bring him back, and my energies are better spent on people I can touch and talk to and events I can shape in this world.

It’s this dumb-ass body that’s the trouble. My body longs for his body: my arms feel heavy and stupid, wanting to hold him; my lap is empty and cold; my face wants to snuggle into his neck. And it’s my body that’s the one complaining. It’s not buying any of Spirit’s tree-hugging, all-is-one-in-the-Light B.S. or paying one whit of attention to Mind’s rationalizations and plans. Body just misses the boy terribly.


Here we are.

On a different note: This got me thinking about the trinity. Like, the Trinity. Which has always been a really confusing and bizarre and unhelpful construct to me.

And I’m wondering, in my religiously ignorant and possibly blasphemous way, if here could be an image of the trinity I could get behind. In my fluid and very personalized belief system, we’re less made in God’s image than we are droplets sprayed off from the big ocean, doing our own thing before returning to the magnificent whole. From which we might spray off again and again, for the sheer joy of it.

So, since this is how we are (at least, how I am), is this how God is too? Equal parts rational and aware, spiritual and dreamy, visceral and physical?

Ego, superego, id?

Father, holy ghost, son?

Which, yeah, has all been written and thought before and is nothing earth shattering, but is oddly comforting tonight. I’d never seen the trinity through that lens before. That’s probably what they were saying in church the whole time, if I’d just listened, but it helps me a lot to have the personal overlay to make sense of it.


All of me misses you, Ward. Happy birthday, son.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. charmarie221
    Nov 04, 2008 @ 05:51:32

    Your blog breaks my heart. I still never know what to say, except that everything you type resonates so deeply within me as a mother. Happy Birthday, Ward.

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