My intent was to share this journey with people who care about us and also to describe it for people who are considering or going through adoption. I had hoped it would be a beacon for people who had lost a child and might provide some home.

Unfortunately, it’s also a beacon for people who are appear to be anti the domestic adoption route we are taking. I have no interest in debating the pros and cons of semi-open/open domestic adoption, and I certainly don’t want to defend our actions to a stranger. I haven’t shared every nuance of our conversations with F. and J. and I don’t intend to.

I believe completely that we are doing a compassionate and good thing, and that we are acting respectfully toward F. and J. and responding to their needs and desires. I respect both them and the agency, and I trust that they are intelligent and aware enough to know what they’re doing. It’s not my job to ask them are you SURE this is what you want to do?

Anyhoo. I realize that maybe this sounds all queenly or something, There will be no dissenting opinions allowed!! No one is allowed to think ill of me!! But, you know, this is private, personal stuff here, emotion-charged, and I don’t want or need anyone telling me I’m a bad person.

I think it’s a wake-up call, honestly. Yes, it’s just one person who has made numerous unpleasant comments, but it would really bring me down to bring Rainbow home and have people tell me I’m a horrible family wrecker.

I think I’m done with this.

14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Becky
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 16:24:12

    Mama Jamz (just love that name!) – I don’t know you personally, but I read your blog faithfully. Please don’t stop your blog posts because of one person’s negativity. What you are doing is a beautiful and wonderful thing for both you and Rainbow’s birth parents. How many teenage girls who are pregnant would be more comfortable with making the adoption choice if they knew there were such caring and loving people out there ready to give that baby a wonderful home? How many young parents who are overwhelmed would make the adoption choice instead of the *shudder* horrific choices we see made on the news on a regular basis? Your posts are inspiring and your honesty is refreshing. You never know who you are reaching, touching, and making a difference for with this blog. All of us who read your blog are rooting for you, your family, little Rainbow, and his birth parents. Please don’t be done with this. There are many more of us who support you wholeheartedly than the one negative person you’ve experienced. And I promise you that negativity is more about THAT person than it is about you. I’m going back to being an anonymous reader now. 🙂 -B

  2. Mary in Atl
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 16:48:44

    Mama Jamz & Daddy J,

    I m so sorry that someone who must not know you feels like they can judge you or slam you here. I hope you will find a way to block this person and continue writing. I went to school – YOU KNOW WHERE and have been good friends with Daddy J’s dad. (I amost addressed this to your real names -sorry) I have been reading from ATL and love keeping up with you, the family & your small town. I barely know you in real life but I would miss you in the blog’s I check in on if you stopped.

    Seems like this person must have some personal experience against adoption. There are risks to any course of action, but any sane & reasonable person, should be able WITHOUT knowing you, to read here & get a sense of what a lifeline this is for this young couple. Whatever thier reasons, they know this baby doesn’t fit in the plan for them right now. They have made a difficult descision. Far better to have Rainbow in a happy wonderful family who so deeply wants a baby!!

    It’s like coming to a dinner at your home and insulting you. You don’t have to put up with it- you just exclude them from the parties not stop having parties. While is is a public blog, it is not a commercial venture or part of your career like some blogs- I can see that those invite more room for dissenting opinions to be allowed. This is not that blog. I hope this reader would KINDLY remove themselves and leave the rest of us here in peace!

    Happy 2009 – I can’t wait to meet Rainbow this spring!

  3. K5
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 19:12:43

    Well, you know where I stand. Freeze out the uncouth, insensitive boor that would DARE . . . DARE make an uneducated, ignorant comment. We did international and had many people chastise us because we did not adopt one of the many American children needing homes. As if anyone knows what is best for any other family. On that note, with adoption you get use to people saying things that can hurt you or your child (note I did not say adopted child). Seems even people we love will say “what about the REAL (or NATURAL, or TRUE) parents?” or they always feel the need to refer to your child as “Rainbow, their adopted child” as if they refer to the others as “their biological children”. When someone says something to be mean or judgmental to or about my child they are out of my world. done. but if they are just careless or thoughtless, I try to bring them along, educate them.

    I can’t wait to welcome your newest child with loving arms.

  4. K5
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 19:13:18

    ooops . . . does that mean your child has loving arms? I meant into my loving arms!

  5. charmarie221
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 19:13:22

    Wow, what an idiot.

    I love reading your blog and thoughts about this process, as well as reading your experiences as a mother in general. It’s those experiences that should make anyone realize what a perfect family you are to add an adopted child. I personally think this blog does far more good than anything else, especially to people who are considering the same path you are undertaking.

    I think Mary in Atl’s party analogy is spot on. Rude guest, be gone, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

  6. charmarie221
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 19:15:23

    oops I was posting the same time as the previous poster… is “adopted child” a term you’d rather not be used? I didn’t mean it in a disparaging way… just referring to the general process.

  7. Jackie
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 22:28:58

    Mama Jamz & Daddy J, you know how much I adore you two, I think you are doing a wonderful service to many people who are trying to find solace in losing a child (something no parent should ever have to endure), just trying to put one foot in front of the other some days and in another way, in the world of adoption which many people are too overwhelmed to even think about. People are entitled to their opinions but that’s what they are, you are doing what you think is right for you & your family, that’s all that matters & if someone thinks it’s wrong, then that’s their problem. Nothing in the world is perfect & there isn’t a perfect way of doing things so people putting their experiences out there is a way of trying to navigate certain waters, people pick & choose from your experiences what they need to make whatever work for them. I for one think you are doing an amazing job of trying to be compassionate to the birth parents who I’m sure are agonizing in many ways themselves. I already know you are amazing people & will do an amazing job when the blessed little Rainbow comes into your lives. Hang in there, I applaud you for revealing your hearts & souls to us.

  8. skye
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 23:23:07

    You and your family are doing a loving, beautiful thing welcoming a sweet new soul into your lives, and the birthparents, I’m certain feel just as blessed.

    Keep pushing that negativity aside!!!

  9. K5
    Jan 01, 2009 @ 23:39:51

    Dear charmarie221 – your are totally fine. It is all contextual and when talking about adoption you have to use the word adoption. I may be too sensitive but I prefer people refer to all my children as simply my children rather than separate out my adopted child as a different type of child.

  10. charmarie221
    Jan 02, 2009 @ 04:37:20

    K5… that makes complete sense to me… I have a stepdaughter and there are times when the “step” is needed for clarification (medical/legal issues) but for the most part I just refer the whole crew as my 4 children. It’s so much more inclusive and family oriented.

    Weird timing, but I was flipping channels and caught part of Dr Phil tonight. It was about children being re-introduced to their birth families. When the one son was asked if he’d always known he was adopted, he said he had known it his whole life because it was always out in the open and that his adoption had been explained to him as being a special thing that had happened to the family. I don’t know why, but the way he said it made me tear up a little bit.

  11. kag
    Jan 02, 2009 @ 14:40:11

    Just block the person’s IP from your blog so he/she cannot even read it, then set it up so all of those person’s comments go straight to spam, and you never see them.

    Jon can help you do this. Just e-mail him and he will fix it up for you.

    Please don’t stop blogging, or writing and sharing. No matter what your family structure may be, you will have people who think it’s Bad or Wrong. You should see the comments I sometimes get about wanting a fifth baby INSTEAD of adopting!


  12. Debra
    Jan 02, 2009 @ 14:44:13

    So sorry to read about these negative comments from an unhappy person. You and your family are great and you are doing a wonderful thing and I wish you all the very best! You keep doing what you do!

  13. Camille
    Jan 02, 2009 @ 16:20:59

    I agree with KAG, Mama Jamz. Block that one jackass from your blog.

    I feel so very honored to read the beautiful words you write and have written about your journey. I would be saddened by the absence of your blog. We see your family so seldom that I relish getting news of adoption, healing, family life, etc. via this conduit. We’re pulling for you, Jamz Family, and can’t wait to meet Rainbow!

  14. Megan DuBois
    Jan 04, 2009 @ 21:05:21

    I treasure your blog as a way to keep in touch with you guys and will be sorry to see it go… try blocking said offender first! I think there are infinitely more of us rooting for you and sending love and positive energy your way. I don’t understand the people that feel the need to comment negatively. I guess it is just a reminder that not everyone is kind or considerate. Like we needed THAT.

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