more baby steps

I had the basic layette all bought/given, washed with baby detergent and fabric softener, and folded and laid out on the play table.  Clearly, it was time to put it away in the dresser.

Which, after over three years, was still full of Wardie’s clothes.

~~~heart contracts painfully~~~

It made it easier to do when Daddy J and the boys were home; sounds of chatter and footsteps helped.  I had two fresh new boxes and a glass of cabernet and was determined to do it already.

Mama, he says, glancing over his shoulder from a game of tag on soft green grass, I really don’t care what you do with my clothes.  They’re Just Clothes.

But you wore them, sweetheart, up against your skin.  They are special to Mama.

I had some potpourri and coral mesh left over from a Christmas project, so I threw together four little sachets and tied them with ribbon.  Wondering if the rose potpourri would be okay, or if I should open up the fresh bag of lavender potpourri – would that be less girly?

Mama, the rose potpourri is just fine, he says, kindly.  Don’t worry.

But the little sachets help me.  I don’t want his clothes to get all musty.

That’s nice, Mama.

I go in, breathing slow and sure, like I’m wearing scuba gear.  Oh, the Winnie-the-Pooh outfit he wore at Disney World, that red long romper with stripes, his big boy underwear, his tie-dyed shirt…

Breathe in, breathe out.  Just do it.

I got all his stuff from the dresser put in boxes, except for socks that seemed like they’d fit Rainbow pretty soon.  I left a few things hanging in the closet because, well, it’s a big enough closet and I want them there: his fireman raincoat, his soft gray hoodie, the Hawaiian shirt he wore for Wal-mart pics, the blue plaid button down he wore for formal portraits.

The other things are boxed and sacheted and put on the top shelf of the closet in the nursery/Wardie’s room/Rainbow’s room, replaced by newborn onesies and gowns and rompers and impossibly tiny pants and socks.

Good job, Mama.  It’s a good room for Rainbow.

Oh, baby, I miss you.

Oh, baby, come soon.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sweetsalty kate
    Feb 14, 2009 @ 19:14:05

    Oh, J. This was ths most beautiful post. It’s so lovely to hear Wardie’s voice in your head. I hear Liam’s less frequently now, but he’s there when I really need him to be.

    What a heart-trip, holding such love and longing and such hope and excitement all at the same time. Thinking of you, and thinking of Wardie too.

  2. Summer
    Feb 15, 2009 @ 04:44:54

    I’ve read your old blog (not sure if its the same one) from Katie’s blog and I’m glad to find it again. I teared up…I did! It must be so hard but yet so exciting to have another little one come along. God bless you always!

  3. Erin
    Feb 15, 2009 @ 23:45:08

    I’ll second the beauty of your post. You write so well, and I can feel your pain and sadness, and your ever present hope. In your sadness that Ward is gone, you never forget to be grateful he was here. Your blessings are many.

    Watching for rainbows,


  4. charmarie221
    Feb 16, 2009 @ 05:56:21

    Och, this made me cry so much… so beautiful… I’m glad Wardie was there to help you through this… and to help welcome Rainbow….

  5. heatherinparadise
    Feb 16, 2009 @ 15:35:58

    I love you and your family.

  6. thisbumpyjourney
    Feb 18, 2009 @ 00:23:41

    Thank you so much, everyone. It was an emotional biggie, and it was nice to be able to share it with you. Thanks for reading.

  7. Cathy
    Mar 01, 2009 @ 01:01:41

    I hear you.
    It’s been 6+ years for me and my daughter being gone. It seems triple ridiculous because right now she’d be on the road to 14 right now and totally unreadable. Her little kid clothes and karate gear would be such old news to her. Disdained even.
    Yet every day, I think how if the house was on fire, I’d grab her stuff first and leave all else….
    I haven’t put away a thing. One. Thing.
    I am glad you were able to.

  8. Trackback: unboxing « love, loss, and rainbows

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