gulp

So, tomorrow we finalize Rainbow’s adoption.

I vascillate (can I just confess nerdily that that is one of my favorite words? vaseline + oscillate = AWESOME) between wanting to hoot with joy and give Rainbow a hug, and wanting to go throw up in the corner and wash the taste away with a tequila shot.

Good Lord Amighty, it’s been a wild almost-four-years since Ward’s accident. We got on the baby train a few months after that, and now, several surgeries, three miscarried babies, one IVF cycle, and innumerable tears later, we have this amazing, beautiful, funny baby.

I found a book I had bought, probably during the first post-Ward’s-transition pregnancy.

(Sigh. It’s something that the miscarried babies’ dates blend into the background of loss, dwarfed by the immensity of Ward’s accident and its repurcussions. I don’t really remember when they happened.

The babies have names, though. Special, sweet talisman names, not names you would christen a baby born alive and kicking: angel names.

And they are buried in our backyard garden.

I have heard the theory that pregnancies that end in miscarriage are the result of an angel who, for whatever reason, is not going to be born into the world at that particular time, but who wants to visit and be close to the pregnant woman, to commune with her and lend strength and hope. This makes me smile, because it sounds like the sort of logic *I* would have in angel form: It’ll be GREAT! Let’s soothe the grieving woman by letting an angel visit in her womb for just a few days/weeks/months! The other angels would glance sideways at each other and murmur that they’re not so sure that would actually HELP the grieving woman and hopeful parent feel BETTER, but Clueless MJ Angel is emphatic: She’ll Love It!!)

It was the sequel (or prequel) to one of my favorite nursery rhyme books that the big boys and Ward had, before the house burned.

I’m sure I thought that that pregnancy would be a breeze, since I had never experienced a miscarriage and had no reason to think I would.

I love reading it to Rainbow (and he likes it well enough now, although he’s still a fan of the black-and-white image books) and I plan to buy the partner book, probably right after I post this.

I bought it used, so there are two inscriptions. One is a Happy 1st Birthday wish to Rachael from March 23, 2000.

The other is:

May 31, 2006

Given with love to new baby Anderson. We can’t wait to meet you.

Love, Mama

~~~~~

We’ve met you, and you’re all that we dreamed of, and more.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sweetsalty kate
    Jun 16, 2009 @ 01:25:32

    sniff. and gulp. and smile.
    xo

  2. CA Mama
    Jun 17, 2009 @ 00:12:40

    Enjoy tomorrow. Finalization is a blip, yet momentous. Hurray for all of you!!

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