treading carefully

I’m sending cards to F and J today. I don’t know how many I’ve sent in total: lots. I think I’m going to slowly stretch out the contact to about one card with pictures to each a month, with another note in between for F. It’s so hard to predict what would make them happiest. Maybe they want next to no contact, with just occasional reassurances, or maybe more. I’m not getting any feedback.

My strategy, therefore, is to err on the side of maybe-too-much contact, maybe-too-many pictures. They can always stow them in a box, or tell their SW to stop forwarding them and just collect them at her office for later, right?

I find myself fantasizing that F will call and want to come see us. That I can help her give Rainbow a bath, that we can stroll him together, that she can rock him in his room, and that we can agree to yearly visits from her and part with a hug. She could stay at one of the B and B’s in town so she could have personal space, and then come over after breakfast. She could be Auntie F, or even just My F, to Rainbow. It could be a special weekend once a year for them and for us.

I want to reassure her in person that we care about her, that we respect her, that we’ll teach Rainbow how giving and sweet and beautiful she is, that we won’t deny her contact with him.

I don’t know if that will ever happen, though, and maybe it would be problematic if it did. It could very well be excrutiating for her and confusing for Rainbow. Not a real concern, though; she made it pretty clear that she didn’t expect to want that kind of contact. I think she anticipated that it would be too painful for her.

I can’t really imagine how she must feel.

I’d post her picture so that you could see how pretty and fresh and sweet she is, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. I want her to keep her privacy. But trust me, she’s so lovely.

(Has my audience changed from you grown-up blog readers to Rainbow, fifteen years from now? Maybe so. Hi there, fifteen year old Rainbow. I love you, sweetheart.)

~~~~~

The big boys are still just so much fun. They are a couple of wokka-wokka comedians at the dinner table; Daddy J and I just shake our heads and remind them to eat the food in front of them. I wonder, with them, when will the awful teenagerness hit? Can we just skip that part? Because they (at ages 12 and 13) are just delightful and silly and intelligent and interesting.

Rainbow is totally adorable, still, in case you were wondering.

I kept myself up last night with some pointless fretting about SIDS and other horrors that might pounce. Gah. My mind has such a macabre slant to it sometimes; it veers me off and makes me see how awful it would be, how I would fall to the floor and vomit, then call 911 and scream.

Stupid mind.

Worried again that I was visualizing a future and making it more likely (stupid, stupid mind) I then spent some time picturing Rainbow as a funny, smart, outgoing toddler; an athletic and polite gradeschooler; a tall, muscular, all-around wonderful honor student in high school; a going-away-to-college magnificent young man.

That’s the dream I like to wrap my mind around.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. CA Mama
    Jun 26, 2009 @ 03:01:32

    I think the fact that you already know in your bones what a good, loving person F is will be abundantly clear to all your boys. I hope they grow up knowing and honoring her, in whatever way you are most comfortable. We have a super-open relationship with our daughter’s birthmother, which is what we wanted at the get go. However, there was no way to imagine what it would be like two years out back when our wee one was a few months old. And who knows what the future will bring.

    All the literature says to overshare with birth parents, especially at the beginning, because they want assurance that all is well, and confirmation that they made the right decision. All the best to you all!

  2. Jane
    Jun 27, 2009 @ 00:42:15

    Stay in the Present. Stay in the PRESENCE.

    Peace to you.

  3. Jackie
    Jun 27, 2009 @ 15:00:55

    Take Rainbow to a chiropractor (and the older boys for that matter), I watched a video a week or so ago about babies & birth & how outta whack their spines are when they are born, they are also starting to study the effects of unaligned spines (ie wicked pulling & tugging during birth) to SIDS (no actual conclusions yet, just speculation). The video was very scary actually as to how much tugging & pulling there is both during “natural” & C-section. Both my boys have been to one for a few years & it makes a difference with headaches etc, especially since mine were hockey players. If you have any questions, email me or PM me on playa or FB.

  4. thisbumpyjourney
    Jun 29, 2009 @ 23:54:54

    Thanks, CA Mama. I’m sure you’re right. I worry sometimes about pouring salt in the wound with our happy baby/happy family/blissed out life pictures. I talked with our SW a little about it, and she felt that F was going to have some issues of her own regardless, and that sending her pics of us clearly loving him, and him clearly happy and healthy, would be reassuring and is a good thing. So, yeah. But I just hate to think of her hurting.

    And thank you, Jane. You’re right. I would like to find a way to carve out a little time to meditate and get centered, but even now I need to just take deep breaths and remember the important things; I need to stay connected and ask for help through prayer when I need it.

    Hm, Jackie, I’d never thought about chiropractor care for a vigorous babe, but I’m open to learning more about it. He seems really strong and healthy though – I kind of would fear rocking the boat and getting his bones tweaked the wrong way, though, you know?

  5. Jackie
    Jun 30, 2009 @ 03:09:47

    I know our chiropractor has worked on numerous colicky babies (I know Rainbow isn’t, just fyi) & immediately it helped and with 2 or 3 more treatments, the colic was gone. Just make sure you find one that is very reputable, like many drs, some are better than others. He also does a bioenergy technique that is not bone cracking or anything like that, it uses energy to help rid the body of interference allowing it to heal itself. I know you’re open to holistic things, thought you might be interested. A website explaining bioenergy http://www.morter.com If you have any questions, I can ask my chiro next time I’m in.

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