the Day

was actually pretty great, as The Days go.

I woke up from an awesome dream, so indulge my dream journaling for the eleventy-eighth time. 

(I remember reading somewhere that one of the most boring things ever is to hear someone tell you their dreams, and… yeah.  I know.  Blah, blah, blah.  Airing the dusty corners of my psyche might get a bit old, so skim past this part and it won’t hurt my feelings.  I just need to write down the important dreams I have, and this is my journal.)

I was sitting at the top of the stairs in our house talking to two other women.  We were having a party of some sort and the three of us had sequestered ourselves away from the hubbub to talk.  I looked down the hallway toward Ward’s and Rockinrolla’s rooms and saw two (or three…?) glowing white shapes moving up and down.  They were like pieces of white tissue paper pinched in the middle and lifted and lowered, moving slowly and gracefully, like jellyfish.

I leaned forward onto the floor, thrilled, because I knew that they were there because of Ward.  I thought that one of them must actually be him, floating and glowing.  I watched them move, and then they floated up through the ceiling and disappeared.  Rockinrolla came out into the hallway and I told him what had happened.  I asked, Ward?  Are you there?  Was that you I was seeing? and a toy on the floor (some sort of wide, fat, cylinder, like a wheel) rolled and bumped against Rockinrolla’s door a couple of times.  We both smiled and went into Rockinrolla’s room.

Daddy J was there and we told him about what we had witnessed in the hallway.  He was bowled over, stunned, and fell against the wall with his head in his hands, amazed.

It was one of those dreams that seemed like it actually happened, to the extent that I drowsily half-came-to and wondered how Daddy J was going to process this event, that this must have rocked his world.  There were later smidgeons of dreams where (while I was presenting a kids’ invention contest I had arranged) someone asked me how I was feeling and I said, GREAT! I got to see my son last night and I slept SO well after that. I feel AMAZING.

And the great thing was that I DID feel amazing when I woke up.

One funny aspect of it was that I was sleeping so deeply that I didn’t hear Rainbow making noise in the morning.  He wasn’t crying, but the monitor we have is LOUD, and I just didn’t stir, according to Daddy J.  He waited for me to get up for a minute or two, then gave up and went and got Rainbow.  I normally wake right up when he makes any sound at all.  Kind of scary, really, that I didn’t wake, although I bet I’d have woken up when he sounded upset.  But interesting – makes me wonder if my dream-self was out on the prowl, at the top of the stairs, seeing Wardie, and wasn’t around to hear it.

And what’s really interesting (well, to me, anyway – I guess I study this Book of Me more than anyone else, and am bound to care more about its twists and turns) is how this dream compares to one I had about two weeks before Ward’s accident. 

I was locking up the house for bedtime.  It was all very normal – I remember the robe I had on, and padding around on the floor to check the outside doors.  I got to the fireplace in the family room and looked through the kitchen toward our bedroom.  I saw a glowing white shape – it looked like a shower curtain with a flexible, snaking rod that made it ripple.  In and of itself, it wasn’t scary, but I knew that seeing it meant that IT WAS REAL, ALL OF IT, and that GHOSTS WERE REAL, which meant that SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE HAD DIED.

I woke up moaning, sweating, and crying, and terrified that something bad was going to happen.

There were other dreams, too, during those last weeks. 

One where I saw Ward looking at me with a little smile, and then his face softened and changed to that of cute little animals (a kitten and a lamb, I think) and then melted into mist.  The last thing to remain of him was his curls. 

And another, more of a waking vision, when I was falling asleep.  I was at the corner downtown, by the post office, with Ward and cousin N and her kids.  We were chatting by the stop sign, waiting to cross, and Ward was playing with little cousin A.  I looked and he had run into the street, and before I could get to him a delivery van ran over him.  It was all so clear – N gathering her children to her so they wouldn’t see, the driver stopping the van and getting out with his mouth hanging open in shock, me falling to my knees in the grass.  I saw him in two pieces and so much blood and knew that he wouldn’t live, but didn’t want him to be alone in his last seconds, and started to crawl toward him. 

And then came to in my bed, weeping and so afraid.

And I remember Daddy J during those weeks, reassuring me, when I told him that I was just so afraid that something was going to happen to Ward.  He said that I’d had those same fears with the other boys, but I didn’t think they’d been this bad.  But what else could he say?  Ward was perfectly healthy, smart, happy, beautiful, surrounded by people who loved him, and he lived in our safe little town.

What could happen?


In retrospect, I tend to think that these premonition dreams were less warnings than they were ripples caused by an event so traumatic, so earth-shattering, that it affected my life in both time directions.

Which might sound kind of new-agey sci-fi mumbo jumbo, but I’m okay with that.


On the Day itself, Daddy J had a day-mostly-off, and we went out to lunch at Whole Foods (yum) and then to his advanced yoga class near his office.  Which was wonderful.  Too hard for me, but not so much so that I felt ridiculous; I just opted out of a few tricky moves and stretched.  The instructor did this great thing at the end where you lay totally flat for an entire song in complete stillness, and after that she read a very touching inspirational reading about opening up all your secret dark places to God.  I would LOVE to go again, though it’s kind of a drive.  It will have to be an occasional treat.

Anyway, it was more than tolerable on the Day.  It was mostly good.  I cried some, thinking again about what became of his little body, but it was kind of sad and cleansing at the same time. 

It was okay.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sweetsalty kate
    Aug 04, 2009 @ 10:10:41

    Oh my gosh, I am gaping. I can’t get over these visions you had, and the way you frame them: “I tend to think that these premonition dreams were less warnings than they were ripples caused by an event so traumatic, so earth-shattering, that it affected my life in both time directions…”

    I also saw Liam and Ben in their incubators well before I had any hint of things going wrong. I got really upset in trying to prepare for their birth, knowing (why? I don’t know – I just knew) that it would be a c-section. I became really upset at people who tried to encourage me to try and have them more naturally – I was so convinced there would be no chance, that it would be so completely out of my control that I couldn’t bear to have higher hopes, or faith.

    But you, your dreams… you make me want to pay more attention when I sleep. You shock me to the point where I want to try again to see through this fog, the way I used to be able to.

  2. Meghan Cobble
    Aug 04, 2009 @ 11:11:38

    Thank you for sharing your details. I know the transition of the concrete “here” to the “not” is a transition, I believe, that is never really over. The mind is one place where your loved one can never leave though.

    You have been a constant in my thoughts these past few weeks.

    .mac 🙂

  3. Montse
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 02:47:54

    Wow. This is just impressive. But you should know that your little angel sent you that dream on The Day to give you strength and to make you feel better because he knows you need it on this time of the year.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I’ve been thinking about your family a lot. You know your experience shocks me because some friends of mine went to the exact same thing that happened with your little boy. They were actually two families and one of the accidents happened in 2005 and the other one on 2006 they were both horryfing surreal things for everyone. None of us could understand what or why it was happening. But during the funeral of Max one of this boys the priest said something that made us feel a little better. He said that when this kind of things happen you can’t understand how can it be God’s will to make things be like this when they’re inflincting so much pain in so many people, and why this kind of things happened to good people and to an innocent child. He said that nowadays we’re living in a world that’s pretty messed up and that lots of things are going very wrong around the world and that God needs good, innocent, pure souls to help him deal with this cause it’s getting out of control. He said that he chose the purest, greatest kids for the job. Not so much as choosing them , but say this was their fate and so he knows that this kids’ souls are so special that they need to be dessignated to a special job, such as angels that take care of their family and the people around the world.

    And Ward was always an angel because while he was living he gave happiness and joy and made everyone around him so happy with only a smile. So it’s not a surprise that now he’s a beautiful angel taking care of you and of other people. And you know what? I’m sure right now he looks down at you and your family and he feels really proud of you for being so strong. Because seriously you’re one of the strongest people I’ve heard of. And I guarantee you that right now he’s safe, happy, smiling as always, glowing and full of joy like the gorgeous angel he is. And when you meet up with him you’ll be really happy to see him like that and to know what a great job he’s done.

    I wrote this with the hope of making you feel better, because that’s how I feel about all this. I send you a big hug all the way from Vancouver.

  4. Mary in ATL
    Aug 05, 2009 @ 21:48:13

    Hugs & prayers and the continued awe at the grace in your writing & sharing.

  5. thisbumpyjourney
    Aug 07, 2009 @ 00:57:04

    Thank you, everyone. It’s kind of a selfish thing (Simon Cowell would call it horrifically self-indulgent) to share all this intimate stuff, but it does help me to have it recorded. And I’m so appreciative of all of your comments and support and sharing your own experiences as well.

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