sweet little early morning daydream

Not sure if this counts as dream journaling – not sure what this qualifies as: a daydream that got legs and ran with it, in a really vivid way? This would be at about 3am this morning, after Rainbow finally settled down after his bottle, when I was drifting off but not technically asleep, so that afterward I opened my eyes and thought, Wow, that was really nice.

I was seventy years old, with gray hair pulled back in a bun, nicely dressed (in a soft plum sweater and tweed skirt) and still healthy and strong for an old lady. I walked into a Waffle House-type establishment and saw a young couple near the counter with a baby who was maybe 18 months old. The baby looked a lot like baby Ward. He threw himself toward me with his hands stretched out and I took him and held him. His parents were baffled, looking at each other warily, while he hugged me, kissed me, patted me on the back, and rubbed his cheeks against mine. The mother said, I’ve never seen him act this way toward anyone before. This is really unusual.

It’s okay, I told her, weeping a little and trying to hold it together, I love children. He’s such a beautiful boy. He’s an angel. You and your husband are very lucky. And just hugging and loving him in my arms. I wanted to tell them that I had been his mother before and that I loved him SO much, but I didn’t want to scare them into thinking that I wanted to steal him away.

The parents just stood there watching as the baby and I hugged each other. We named him Ward, the mother said. It’s kind of uncommon, but we really liked it. I just nodded. Ward was really actively hugging me this entire time, leaning back to look at me, then pulling me in for a squeeze.

Maybe, I asked carefully, I could give you my email address and, if you ever send out pictures to people with email, you could send me some pictures of him every now and then? It would make me so happy. The mother said, Sure, and copied down my address.

And maybe, if you ever wanted, I could babysit for him. I would love that. It would be such a pleasure. I could see the parents looking at each other and thinking how odd this all was, but also seeing how much their baby was taken with me, and maybe they should give it consideration. I felt this big surge of hope that I might get to see him and play with him some in the future.

I described this to Daddy J this morning, who pointed out what is probably obvious: that this might be what F is feeling about Rainbow (or at least what I imagine she is feeling about him.) Loving him so very, very much, being his Mama in the past and therefore forever his Mama, while recognizing that other people are his parents now and that that is okay, longing for some pictures and possibly ongoing contact with him.

I hope that’s how she feels, anyway, because it was really, really sweet and not bitter at all.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Erika
    Aug 11, 2009 @ 18:19:04

    what a blessing, G-d really talks to you…..

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