firsts and lasts

I was strolling with Rainbow today (magically, we avoided a drenching from the downpours that WILL NOT STOP COMING ENOUGH ALREADY STOP IT SKY GAHHHH) and commented to him that he was about to have his first autumn. His very first fall, in a whole year of first-ever-things.

And remembered that first year after Ward’s accident, when they were entirely different firsts. Our first night at home after the hospital, our first wedding anniversary without him, the first Wardie birthday with him gone, our first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first spring… Painful, mind-blowing firsts that you just have to get through one way or another, because they’re coming, like-it-or-not.

And then the year of lasts that became retroactively sacred after he transitioned: his last birthday, last Halloween costume, last Christmas, last preschool class, last picture…

And it’s not so much painful as it is just… Huh. Here we are, then. Those firsts were excruciating, these firsts are special and glorious. Makes my chest tight and eyes swim and stomach a little woozy, but it’s okay.

Here we are, then.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. camille
    Sep 23, 2009 @ 17:07:44

    This took my breath away, Mama Jamz. Thanks for sharing your experience. Reminders to ratchet up the gratitude are always a blessing…

  2. clara
    Sep 23, 2009 @ 22:20:00


  3. Jane
    Sep 24, 2009 @ 18:59:15

    Here is a good place to be right now!
    Blessings upon you and your family.

  4. thisbumpyjourney
    Sep 24, 2009 @ 19:28:55

    Thanks, guys. I really value recording all this and sharing it with you, so thank you for reading and for the supportive words.

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