my baby

I study his face all the time. I mostly see F’s features and smile, although sometimes a quirky little grin from J pops up. His default mood seems to be the same as what we saw in F: warm, open, interested, amused. He watches with raised eyebrows and a grin, tries out sounds, grabs for whatever’s in reach.

With our other boys, I looked for physical features from grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. I see my brother and my father and his mother, and Daddy J’s paternal grandmother, and (interestingly enough) one of our nieces in Rockinrolla. I see a lot of my mother and some of myself in the Fishmaster. And Wardie looked just like his daddy.

But really, of course, they are genetic salads made from us and everyone related to us, with their own special flavors thrown in.

So I look at Rainbow and wonder whose features are starting to shine through, other than F’s and J’s? I wonder if I can get pictures for him of some of his extended biological family one of these days. I imagine that he would want them, but perhaps no. Maybe I should leave any researching or picture-procurement for him when he reaches adulthood, or at least becomes old enough to express the desire? And maybe that is overstepping my bounds, anyway, to ask for pictures of F’s and J’s families.

Such new territory, all of this, for everyone involved.

~~~~~

I study him and laugh with him and change a dirty diaper and it hits me: I change his diaper in the same familiar, natural way that I did his brothers. He’s one of my boys.

And maybe I am alone in this, but I have changed a lot of diapers over the years: mostly my own kids, but also two little girl babies that I did some part-time daycare for, a few cousins, and – quite memorably – some disabled kids when I subbed for the special needs class at the kids’ school. When they are not your own kids, the diaper changing is different; there’s a delicacy, a foreign-ness, a sense that this child is not of me and this is a little weird, and sometimes there is an ew factor that isn’t there when diapering your own. Of course I’ve always been gentle and respectful when diapering other babies; it’s just that, when they are your own, it’s almost like you’re cleaning an extension of yourself and it’s totally natural.

Does that make any sense whatsoever?

Anyway, I realized that with Rainbow, there was never that sense of delicacy or weirdness when I changed his diaper, from the get-go.

He always felt like mine.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Meghan Cobble
    Oct 11, 2009 @ 20:44:23

    I totally get what you mean.

    Totally.

    I like that you compare us all to salads with our own flavors to add.

    And Ward did look just like his daddy to me too.

    .mac 🙂

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