blender

Before the adoption education stuff we had to do, I had always thought that blended families were of mixed race, or else what happened when two families were brought together through the parents’ second (or third, or whathaveyou) marriage, like the Brady Bunch.

And I still think those assumptions are correct, but we learned that blended families are also families where one or some of the children are biological and one or some of the children are adopted.

So: we are a blended family.

We had some trepidation (well, I did, at any rate – Daddy J was pretty cool about the whole thing) about adopting after having had three biological children. Would our next child fit in? Would he feel equally loved?

Would we love him the same as our biological children??

It was a very fleeting worry, though. I realized that I had felt pretty much exactly the same way when I was pregnant with Rockinrolla and taking care of a wee little Commodore. I worried that I could never love another baby as much as I had my firstborn; he was my one and only special boy, we were bonded supertight forever, and how could I even pretend to love my second as much as my first?

Which, mamas of more than one child know, is something you get right over (if you ever even had that concern) when the second baby is born and you realize that there is plenty of room in your heart for more than one child, and you love each and every one of them with everything you’ve got.

So, I figured Rainbow would be the same way: Of course I’d love him as powerfully as the other boys. And I do.

It’s every bit as magical and beautiful as the biological child connection. Which might elicit eyerolls from some people out there in the interwebs – but it’s true: Sure, carrying a baby is wonderful, it feels very natural and amazing to know that your body has produced a child, and breastfeeding is a lovely, lovely thing. But it’s also wonderful to be given this gift of being allowed to parent a child. It’s also magical to have this child in your arms and know that you are so, so fortunate to get to love him.

(And yes, F and J are important, and I know that they miss parenting him and being with him. BUT: I think that as long as there are people in the world, there will be parents who are not up for parenting their children, for a myriad of reasons, and there will be parents who want very much to love and take care of these kids, so adoption will have a place. Of course it’s not all easy and painless, but it does happen for valid reasons, and it can be a very good thing.)

I just felt compelled to share with anyone who happened to pop by that (in our experience) blending biological and adopted (and angelic) children has been a very natural and smooth thing so far.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jane
    Dec 08, 2009 @ 18:59:21

    “I think that as long as there are people in the world, there will be parents who are not up for parenting their children, for a myriad of reasons, and there will be parents who want very much to love and take care of these kids, so adoption will have a place. ”

    Well said!

  2. Auntie Sue
    Dec 09, 2009 @ 00:33:43

    A baby is a magical thing. No one in the families (yours and James’s) loves Rainbow any less or in a different way than any of the other grandchildren, cousins, nieces and nephews. He is simply the youngest member of the clan and we all are so grateful to have him in our lives.

  3. CA Mama
    Dec 11, 2009 @ 04:54:06

    I think the fact that we parents through adoption have the feeling we need to justify adoption (I am assuming because of the folks out there who say the terrible things they say either about birth or regular parents), is so sucky. We chose to adopt immediately when first facing infertility, so never have had the bio experience. But I cannot imagine loving my children any more than I do. I think some part of me would explode! That said, I totally had the freak out, can I love the second as much as the first moments. I cornered all the moms I could at the park to ask them; I imagine many thought I was cuckoo as I was not obviously expecting.

    Glad you appreciated having some birthmother opinions. They both liked being asked. They have had some major judgment passed on them, and having a forum where their opinion is respected is appreciated.

  4. thisbumpyjourney
    Dec 12, 2009 @ 14:41:52

    It *is* sucky, CA Mama, to feel that need to justify it. I’ve had some negative run-ins with anti-adoption people and it’s so awful; I hate it that I have to read through stuff I write ten times to make sure no one could be offended, and then worry that they still might be, and then wonder why I even care when they are just determined to think I’m a terrible person.

    Anyway, yes – that second child freak out seems so pointless now, huh? But it was actually something I worried about once upon a time.

    I hate it that people get judgy with birthparents, too. F described some very positive things she’d heard from people (like her hairdresser) when she described her adoption plan, but I wonder if she just didn’t mention the negative ones – I’m sure she must have had some. I imagine that with all the dumb stuff we hear as adoptive parents, they hear plenty of dumb and hurtful stuff as birthparents.

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