rolling on

Things of late are so rich and varied and mostly-delicious, I feel like I’m living in a decadent, perfect bread pudding with the occasional soggy raisin.

The Fishmaster Commodore is in the process of applying to Rockinrolla’s school, which is the same high school Daddy J and I attended, and which is an easy walk from our house. I think he’ll love it and thrive there, although the prospect of saying goodbye to his current school, which I love, is very sad.

(A temporary goodbye: I’m pretty sure Rainbow will go there in third grade.)

Ball planning is going quite well. Rainbow spent Monday night again with Grandma L so that I could work on ball stuff Monday and Tuesday, and I missed him so much that I had to stay up reading just to get tired enough to fall asleep.

(Barbara Kingsolver! Loving her! Warm, unpretentious, subtly stated gems, and totally making me want to go live in Arizona for awhile.)

But I did get a lot of very necessary stuff done. Tuesday was a MAJOR WORK DAY for the ball, and we all were in high gear, so it was a huge bonus to get up early and get going on stuff. And I know I’m totally spoiled with all the grandparent babysitting. No one ever cares for that boy who isn’t smitten with him. I just get sad when I’m away from him.

***whine… whine… sniff…***

And have been basking in our time together since he came home.

Anyway, the ball is going to be GREAT. Donations have piled in, the place will beautiful, and it looks like the weather will cooperate.


Rainbow is quite the walker. Walky, walk, walk. Also, quite the finger food eater. He’s all into cheddar soy cheese slices and banana chunks at the moment.


Daddy J turned 39 on Tuesday.


Although, I think he and I are both not so disturbed about aging right now. I don’t like the extra effort I need to put into keeping in shape (bleh) but Daddy J’s been doing it, and is in awesome shape, getting pants taken in and looking really fit and muscular and awesome.

Age, schmage.

We’re laden down with gifts and pressed in close with loved ones.


I was wondering today when my last visit dream from Ward was. It seems like it must have been months and months ago. I wonder when/if he will visit me again and press his cheek against mine, and when I’ll hear him laugh, and when I can run my fingers through his curls.

I wonder if the window is closing because death (Death) is further away. When the memory was fresh and the wound was open and I’d so recently spent time with Death in the room, maybe all the signals and touches and visions from Ward came through better. They were more familiar: I’d just seen them in true form. (I’d be more likely to catch snippets of spoken French when I was just returned from a trip to France, right?)

I don’t think he’s backed off on purpose; I think that if I wanted/needed him close, I’d feel him close. He’d respond to me. I know it.

But I still do miss him, of course. Still pull up the memory of that cool, creamy cheek on my face when I hugged him.

Wonder what he’s doing tonight.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Beverly Sanford
    Feb 11, 2010 @ 17:58:48

    Your writing is ABSOLUTELY beautiful and poetic-
    You are gifted in this area-(also many other areas also-I feel quite sure)

    Enjoy the ball this weekend-You will shine! You do shine.

    Always a pleasure to read your blog.

    We will SO miss Gray next year, but TOTALLY understand.
    Will talk with you later about this….

    The primary is a place of “GOLD.” (grades 3-5) Thinking of Rainbow and the primary, makes me smile.

    Again, have fun this weekend and maybe we could do lunch sometime?

    Beverly Sanford

  2. Mama Jamz
    Feb 12, 2010 @ 01:04:13

    Oh, Beverley, you are so sweet. One big reason I will miss the Commodore’s school – you and so many of the mamas are so very warm and earnest and fun and genuinely good. I love all the parents and the kids so much, love the place itself, love the headmaster and his wife… It’s a hard transition for me, although my son seems to be taking it calmly in stride. Go figure.

    I would LOVE to have lunch with you. I’ll be pretty open after the ball; my schedule is pretty flexible, I’ll just have a little scooter with me. And this fall Rainbow will start preschool at the church across the street two days a week. But maybe we could meet up for some park playtime this spring or summer? I love that Barfield park – maybe that would be a good meeting spot. And of course I love the BB park in town.

  3. charmarie221
    Feb 15, 2010 @ 22:54:01

    oh the cool, creamy cheek… I just had a hug from my sweet baby girl as she was leaving to go to the grocery store with her daddy and the cheek feeling still lingers on mine… wishing you more visit dreams as you need them…..

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