I’ve found myself reaching for some of Ward’s old clothes to put on Rainbow and then pulling my hand away and choosing something new. It’s not the pants or jackets so much as the shirts; specifically, I can’t bring myself to put Ward’s favorite shirts on Rainbow. And the ones that Ward wore for cherished pictures we have – well, forget it. I just can’t do it.

I told myself at one time that it would be cute when I could dress Rainbow up in the little white sailor suit Ward wore for his christening, or in the dressy little oxfords and sweater vests he had. And… no.

I was feeling sort of crummy about it and giving myself a hard time: They’re just CLOTHES for Pete’s sake! Wardie certainly doesn’t care if you dress Rainbow up in them.

And I wondered if I was being weirdly clingy to these material things and wanting to keep them special and untouched in Ward’s memory. And I know, I know, that would be fine and all to do, but really, they’re just clothes and I don’t want to be that way.

Then I realized that it wasn’t even about Wardie when it came to those special memory/photo clothes. I want Rainbow to be his own guy at all times. I don’t want him hearing “Oh, you look like your brother Wardie! I remember when he wore that little shirt,” and then seeing somebody wipe a tear away. That’s not what I want for this little man. So, it’s good, I think, to reserve the most Ward-specific items and let them stay in storage. Not because Wardie is any more special than Rainbow, but because they both deserve to be individuals.


(Yes, we got a new puppy a few months ago. Her name is Scarlett. Daddy J saw an advertisement for dappled miniature dachshunds, which I have coveted for years, and told me to go pick one out for my anniversary gift. I love her. She is totally ridiculous and somewhat naughty at this point, but she is everything I want in a little lap dog: tiny-ness, negligible shedding, and physical beauty. Honestly, if she were shrunken down to, like, 1/100th size, she would make a stunning brooch. She has BLUE EYES, PEOPLE.)

(And yes, you may have noticed that I like them long and lean. Daddy J loves his GSD (as do I) but my favorite doggy body style is stumpy and stretched out, as demonstrated by Oscar (wiener dog #1), by Dana (the Corgi), and by Ruby (the basset hound.)

(Yes, it’s silly of us to get a goofy little puppy when we have a toddler at home. Yeah. Whatever. I still love her. Plus, her crate is really small. And she won’t be a puppy forever.)

(Interesting side note: I named her Scarlett because I wanted to name her after the most beautiful and feisty Southern woman I could think of and I thought the little girl cousins might be impressed. Also, it amuses me that we have two hound dogs named Ruby and Scarlett. BUT! Daddy J pointed out that the breeder from whom I bought her (who is totally NOT a puppy mill breeder) is named TARA. So I got Scarlett from Tara and how great is that.)


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mindy
    Nov 21, 2010 @ 20:55:58

    Never commented before, but just wanted to say so glad you’re blogging again!
    I have 2 boys, 5 and 16 months, and really enjoy your writing. Think you’ve shown such grace during tough times, it’s very inspirational.
    Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

  2. Mama Jamz
    Nov 22, 2010 @ 20:12:17

    Thanks, Mindy. It’s nice to meet you. 🙂 I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, too.

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