Whewwwwwww…

That’s the sound of my relief that Daddy J is home from his four night business/personal trip to Washington state.

Whewwwwwww…

Not that the kids have been trying or that anything has gone awry. The kids have been perfect and everyone is well. I just got weighed down with some grief that I haven’t felt for awhile. It was like a net was thrown on me and I suddenly found myself having to operate under the weight and entanglement of the whole thing. I don’t know if it was the end of the year, marking another year gone, or feeling the deep grief that cousin K and her family are going through.

Bad Feelings got reawakened and the old longings and regrets kicked in.

I miss him.

It happens.

The kids, really, are very helpful in bringing my mood up. They are funny and smart and generally extremely helpful. On one of the worst mornings, I dragged my rear end out of bed and announced that we were all going to the mall. Rainbow’s naps have been a little sporadic, so I decided to just figure on him skipping entirely and spend the entire afternoon there. It was a rainy, cold day.

But it was cheerful and bright at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

(Or, as Daddy J calls it, Yucky Sneezes.)

Rainbow’s first trip to the land of the Mouse, not to be confused with the one who lives in the Land of the Monorail and Twelve Dollar Turkey Legs.

It was awesome, A. because Rainbow loved it, and B. because he didn’t even want to play any of the games, he just wanted to run around and climb on stuff (read: cheap thrills) and C. it’s kind of impossible to be depressed when you’re chasing a laughing, thoroughly enchanted toddler around an arcade and catching glimpses of your teenager engrossed in the basketball game.

Checking out Mama on the Chuck E.T.V.

Afterward, we went to the play zone at the mall. Also awesome.

Then ate in the food court. I’d give this experience a C. Rainbow was tired by this point and kind of a nut. The falafel sandwich I got was pretty gross, and Rainbow made a mess with his food. He’s not a fan of sitting in a high chair in general, really. He’s kind of an action mealtime guy.

Then TJ Maxx, where Rainbow got a new tractor play set. I’m learning that retail therapy doesn’t have to be about self-gifting, although that sure works sometimes. It’s also about buying stuff for your kids and getting them all excited. That works, too. And No, I am definitely not above that.

Yesterday was another good one. I took Rainbow to his class at the children’s museum and he did GREAT. He’s doing better at paying attention every week. We played in the museum after with the big boys, then took Rainbow to Grandma L’s. The big boys and I had a gold star day: Lunch at a fancy little restaurant (including dessert!) then shoe and music shopping and a trip to Kroger. We met Daddy J for dinner last night at Bonefish Grill and welcomed him home.

And now it’s back to school time.

Whewwwwwww.

I need to remember that, when I can, the powering through and making myself get out to do stuff is helpful when I’m sad. Sometimes it’s impossible, when the grief attacks. Sometimes taking to bed is all one can do, especially when the grief is raw and new. That’s a powering through all its own.

But now that I’m in this ripened state of grief, with some callouses built up, the worst case scenario (like, crying in public) isn’t all that bad. I mean, I’ve done it before, and I’m sure I’ll do it again. But in general, distraction and activity work great for these minor visits to the Place of Sadness.

I think I’m back now.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. James
    Jan 04, 2011 @ 19:43:59

    I’m so sorry for the role I played in it all…

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